My Blessed Childhood

I've been thinking lately about how I grew up. There are lots of things I've seem to have forgotten but I wanted to share things that I do remember--those memories, moments, little pleasures that have found a place in my memory forever. The collection shows me how blessed I was as child--and now. I'm sure to some my childhood might not be glamorous but to me it was pretty great. So here's some of my childhood blessings:

1. Catching fireflies in the summer and putting them in mason jars---don't worry, I always let them go before I went inside.

2. The buttercups that grew back every spring along our driveway. I was always so happy to see them because that was a good sign that summer was coming.

3. Caramel apples...enough said...they're just good (esp homemade ones).

4. The blackberries that grew wild behind our house. We would pick them and make blackberry cobbler!

5. My unwavering belief in Santa Claus as a child---even after I saw Dad tip toeing into the living room with two huge brown bags---I still believed.

6. Opryland---why did they ever build OpryMills...Nashvegas please bring back Opryland!! The cannonball roller coaster was the best (is that the right name?)

7.Sunday night summer church parties..esp when we all got together at a member's house that had a pool.

8. Kittens, kittens, and more kittens. Let's see how many pets I can name: We actually started out with dogs but I don't remember them...I think one of them was named Sambo and I slightly recall trying to ride one like a horse. Our first cat was Boo...I think she had two litters..one was Midnight, Toby, Rascal who had two litters-Buckwheat, CeeCee, Tippy, the Calico one, Memo, Pumpkin, Charlie and now Smokey.

9. The awesome yard we had at the house I grew up in. It was huge. One side was big enough to play kickball...plenty of trees...and a hill for sledding...

10. Riding my bike up and down my road on summer nights after I washed my hair...perfect mixture of heat and cool.

11. When mom would surprise us and take us to a local store to get an after school snack! I got white powdered donuts every time.

12. SLUMBER PARTIES!!! We always got to have one at our birthday and I loved them.

13. Hot chocolate and marshmallows with mom when I was sick one winter and I couldn't go play in the snow....

14. Which leads me to SNOW DAYS!! Sledding was so much fun down our hill. I still remember when Jenny got hurt because she ran the sled straight into the tree...I still don't understand why she just didn't fall of the sled like I did. :)

15. Christmas movies especially the Claymation Christmas movies.

16. Playing spotlight tag with our cousins.

17. The wonderful fact that my mom and dad came to every one of our events: soccer--Dad even was a referee, choir, orchestra, plays, banquets, piano (well mom kinda had to be there for that :)....they were always there..and they still are!!

18. Playing dress up in mom's old clothes with my twin sis.

19. The nights mom would order pizza for supper.

20. The time dad took me to Chickasaw Park to ride horses---he thought I was sad that I didn't go to camp that year but honestly I didn't want to go :)

21. New school supply shopping (yes I'm a dork like that)

22. Playing with mom's hair when I was really little and putting practically every bow I owned in her hair.

23.Climbing trees (especially that one time I climbed up at the very top and stayed there for awhile when I got in trouble)

24. Getting all dressed up for Easter in my new dress....

25. The chocolate cake with chocolate icing my mom made every year for our birthday!

26. The fact that for one year my twin sister, me and my older sister were all on the same high school soccer team.

27. The Saturday mornings when mom or dad would make pancakes or biscuits.

28. Shucking all the corn we got from a church member...eating raw kernels secretly and stomping around the the huge basin of corn and water.

29. The time mom dressed up me and my twin sis as ghosts for Halloween. She literally took two old bed sheets and cuts holes for the eyes and that was it. We were really little but I still remember tripping over the sheet. I'm still not sure if she was just worried about money that year or she just couldn't think of anything...either way it's funny.

30. Putting up the Christmas tree and the silent fight over the placement of the ornaments. I'm not sure if my sisters remember this but we could never agree about where the ornaments should go on the tree so one of us would move some ornaments when no one was looking and then someone else would move it back....haha, how silly.

31. Running threw our garden when the sprinklers were on. I loved feeling the soft dirt under my toes.

32. Riding in the back of Pappaw's old red pick up to get BBQ.

33. Playing with my grandmommy's glamorous tea set.

34. When Dad taught me how to ride a bike...I couldn't get it for such a long time. Both my sisters had already learned and I was struggling. (That's usually how it went for most things...haha). My dad decided that I was going to learn one Saturday and that we would not leave the park until I got it. By some miracle I almost immediately started riding the bike when I got there. I'm not sure how it worked but maybe I just needed that one-on-one attention to learn. Thanks Dad!

That's all I can think of right now but I am sure there are hundreds more blessings I have received....too much to count or even deserve.

Ramblings when my mind is too full....

I'm 33. Gulp. What will my life mean? Big Gulp. What will people think of me when I die? Now I'm hyperventilating a little bit. Does anyone else feel this way? But at the same time....no matter how much I think about this....that our very existence is just a glamorous, beautiful, explosive, vanishing moment....I still get caught up in little worries and stresses and doubts and jealousies and just. plain. stupid things that I shouldn't hang myself upon. How many times have I royally screwed up and realized too late I've ruined friendships, chances, love, joy......anyone else feel this way? Or how many times I've ruined things just by hating myself more than anything? I do hate to admit that, but I gotta be honest. Self loathing can ruin lives.

And all these thoughts make me wonder what I should do next, what career should I go for, where should I live, what makes me happy? Or maybe all these rules I think I should follow are not right for me.

What do I REALLY want? Or the better question, what does GOD want from me? here comes the can of worms....

I've run from God so hard...and I've fallen even harder. I always hated the thought that I was choosing to believe in something just because that's the religion I was born into. I'm a pastor's kid so I must believe. I struggled so hard with this starting from elementary and on. In my eyes nobody else in my family struggled. My sisters just seemed to accept it, no questions asked. So, because of this struggle I decided that I would just go out and live myself. I don't think I consciously thought this but my actions seemed to scream it.

And I made mistakes. And with every mistake came a little bit more clarity. I mean I still feel like I'm groping around in the dark but I did realize I do believe...in so many things unseen. Because for me life has to be more than mere surviving. Our life cannot just be that. My soul literally aches for more.

So I am a believer, but I have a hard time in believing in the church. (And the word 'religion' for that matter....so many people have a negative connotation with that word.) There's been a lot of hurt for me in association with the 'church family', so I really hesitate in wanting to join one. I would rather just meet with a small group in a house. A group that carries each other's heavy burdens and freely talks about weaknesses and flaws and darknesses that no church family I have ever known would even consider breathing out loud. Can that exist? Can we talk about our doubts?

And coming into the realization that I do believe I feel the heavy weight of my life on my shoulders. Now I REALLY gotta do something...good....valuable. But that's where I stop. Because I have no idea what that should be. I have read so many articles and did personality and career tests, but I still have no idea. But maybe it's a little bit easier than I am making it. Does a fulfilled life have to be career driven and successful? What does a fulfilled life really look like?

I'm not sure, but I do have some things I do know I want...

Free of self loathing

healthy eating..maybe that involves my own little garden...

some well developed hobbies....like theatre, piano (maybe someday I will actually get back into it), volunteer work

a simpleness to my life....where I can enjoy sunsets, outdoors, hiking and canoeing...where I can go pick flowers and catch fireflies and not feel I should be doing other more 'productive' responsibilities

Peace

A job, some kind of job, that I will not hate getting up for (should I be more driven?? I don't know....that's just how I feel right now)

And of course all the items on my bucket list from before....

That's about it...