Ramblings when my mind is too full....

I'm 33. Gulp. What will my life mean? Big Gulp. What will people think of me when I die? Now I'm hyperventilating a little bit. Does anyone else feel this way? But at the same time....no matter how much I think about this....that our very existence is just a glamorous, beautiful, explosive, vanishing moment....I still get caught up in little worries and stresses and doubts and jealousies and just. plain. stupid things that I shouldn't hang myself upon. How many times have I royally screwed up and realized too late I've ruined friendships, chances, love, joy......anyone else feel this way? Or how many times I've ruined things just by hating myself more than anything? I do hate to admit that, but I gotta be honest. Self loathing can ruin lives.

And all these thoughts make me wonder what I should do next, what career should I go for, where should I live, what makes me happy? Or maybe all these rules I think I should follow are not right for me.

What do I REALLY want? Or the better question, what does GOD want from me? here comes the can of worms....

I've run from God so hard...and I've fallen even harder. I always hated the thought that I was choosing to believe in something just because that's the religion I was born into. I'm a pastor's kid so I must believe. I struggled so hard with this starting from elementary and on. In my eyes nobody else in my family struggled. My sisters just seemed to accept it, no questions asked. So, because of this struggle I decided that I would just go out and live myself. I don't think I consciously thought this but my actions seemed to scream it.

And I made mistakes. And with every mistake came a little bit more clarity. I mean I still feel like I'm groping around in the dark but I did realize I do believe...in so many things unseen. Because for me life has to be more than mere surviving. Our life cannot just be that. My soul literally aches for more.

So I am a believer, but I have a hard time in believing in the church. (And the word 'religion' for that matter....so many people have a negative connotation with that word.) There's been a lot of hurt for me in association with the 'church family', so I really hesitate in wanting to join one. I would rather just meet with a small group in a house. A group that carries each other's heavy burdens and freely talks about weaknesses and flaws and darknesses that no church family I have ever known would even consider breathing out loud. Can that exist? Can we talk about our doubts?

And coming into the realization that I do believe I feel the heavy weight of my life on my shoulders. Now I REALLY gotta do something...good....valuable. But that's where I stop. Because I have no idea what that should be. I have read so many articles and did personality and career tests, but I still have no idea. But maybe it's a little bit easier than I am making it. Does a fulfilled life have to be career driven and successful? What does a fulfilled life really look like?

I'm not sure, but I do have some things I do know I want...

Free of self loathing

healthy eating..maybe that involves my own little garden...

some well developed hobbies....like theatre, piano (maybe someday I will actually get back into it), volunteer work

a simpleness to my life....where I can enjoy sunsets, outdoors, hiking and canoeing...where I can go pick flowers and catch fireflies and not feel I should be doing other more 'productive' responsibilities

Peace

A job, some kind of job, that I will not hate getting up for (should I be more driven?? I don't know....that's just how I feel right now)

And of course all the items on my bucket list from before....

That's about it...