Ex-Volunteer vs. Reality

My friend Jim once described the end of your volunteer year like an ex-con being released from jail. I think that is pretty accurate. Reality was not how you left it. Or could it be that you have changed? I found myself back at home, staring at the computer, looking for a job, and feeling very confused. We've all been there. Another transition in life. I've done it before, I can do it again. But this time was different. I've discovered I'm not content with just any job, even if it's just part time, and only for the money. I want something that means, well, something! A job that can take me somewhere. (Hopefully in the general direction of Nashville.Haha. Kidding...kinda) But instead of following that desire I took a job that I knew was not right for me. Yep, I've done that before too. That little push of desperation that sits in your stomach as you fill out applications took over and said, Yes! Please employ me! I need money! Oops. So I find myself looking for something else...

And it's not been easy. It really does seem so much has changed in this community. There aren't many jobs. It's like the economy is strapping its belt tighter, hanging on for survival, and letting the unnecessary bits fall to the wayside. My heart aches for the broken, sad parts in this community. I see that clearly now. I don't think I ever did before. I have no idea how I can help, but I have an urge to pour bright colors of paint on the broken parts, mend them somehow, and make people smile again. Maybe I'm supposed to be here...maybe I'm not...maybe I have no idea at all...

And I'm still trying to understand what I learned while volunteering. A friend of mine seems to think it was a perfect place where you get to help people everyday. Maybe he got that idea from the way I've talked about it. That, of course, is not true. There were a few times I would have packed my things up and left. And in some ways, I was not the best fit. But at the same time it was...beautiful. The people we helped were charming, especially the crazy ones. I have a special place in my heart for them. They made it all worthwhile. And as far as the volunteer living? It was very much like a bubble. Now of course, it wasn't peaceful all the time, but it was like a safe little haven where the real world and real bills just disappeared. It was still hard in some ways, but easy at the same time. I felt like I was safely tucked away in the mountains of Kentucky where I got the chance to figure out who I am and who I should become. I found out I need to do something that deeply satisfies my heart,  hopefully that involves helping others. I don't know yet. But the year has changed me. Maybe because I knew it was only for a year. A year quickly disappears into another. I had just a little while, then it was gone. But isn't that how life should be? In two years I will be the big 3-0. Where in the world did time go??!! I feel like I've hung on to time, white-knuckled in confusion, and watched as my years collect, creating my story. I ask myself if I have actually claimed my story yet...and if not...what the crap am I waiting for??